A Rollercoaster life.

I hate it when i allow external factors to take control of my emotions.

I get upset, emotional, angry, disappointed all at once.

I throw things, curse intangible non-living things like my math paper, draw black angry circles on foolscap, cry, start biting my nails, scratching my scalp, throwing pens against the walls, banging the door, stomping like a raging bull around the house, slapping the walls till my hands become sore, attempting to rip apart my blanket, having the urge to shout at my brothers who are enjoying themselves while i wallow in the sea of misery, giving my parents 'the look', being like an anti-social cat by staying at home, missing family suppertime, drifting away from close family members and friends just because everybody's so busy, silently scolding teachers who do not reply to emails from their students, staring at a white wall everyday for 8 hours, sitting at the same spot doing nothing but tests after homework, not exercising for five months and still not feel guilty about it, eating junk food the school provides during breaks, having feelings of self-doubt...

The grey cloud that looms overhead whenever i realise how much i still do not know. The anxiety and paranoia that something might turn out wrong--you forget the math formulae, or your calculator runs out of battery.

It's disgusting you know. How you're turning into somebody you despise.

I am loosing my steam, as i always do. Everytime i manage to find the catalyst to rekindle the flame. But this time, just 14 more days, i'm loosing it again. I know i cannot afford to, but somehow it just happens. why?

I allowed it to.

All of these. They make me upset. it only proves how weak i am in controlling my emotions. (I will not say 'I despise myself' as much as i want to. It just pushes me deeper into the bottomless pit of self-pity and feeling like a worthless pumpkin.)

There are roller-coaster weeks ahead. I need to make sure i do not loose my cool, nor my temper. I've got to hang on there.

Even if it means sitting through 100 three-hundred-sixty degrees turns. Now i'm going to make myself a cup of hot tea that would give me the owl-energy i need to survive a night's studying.